The Last Fruitrollup: A TF2 Epic
by Critt Bombney 2012
Summary: Scout is growing young man. He is a boy of hunger. For weeks he has yearned for first dibs on the pantry. Now is his chance.
1. Chapter 1: The Deal

The air was still. It was 8:00 am. Everything was calm, calm enough to seem normal. As rays from the hot New Mexico sun started to show through RED's team mess hall, a creature stirred. No normal creature. Not human. No, what lurked about in the shadows that encased the left side of the fairly bare room was not of this plain of existence. It was the RED team's scout. And he was hungry.

He flung himself in front of the large wooden pantry. He threw open the doors violently, causing them to creak. He amused himself by doing this because he was an idiot. And that's when he saw the Fruit Rollup box. The box was open, and he figured Spy had probably gotten to it first. But within the box, a silver shine showed through the dark; a wrapper!

"Heheheheh stupid French guy isn't gettin' dis dis time! Cuz I'm gonna get it. And then I'm gonna eat it. And then I will tell him I did dat! TEEEEEHEEEEEE!", Scout said annoyingly. He reached for the box. With great stupidity, he fumbled with the box. His one track mind was focused on the acidic taste of the sugary treat. But from behind him, a voice sounded with a bite of sadism.

"Looking for this?" Spy uncloaked behind him. Spy was a dumbass too, and he often partook in toying with the near mentally retarded boy. In his left hand he held a single Fruit Rollup. It was Tropical Punch flavored. Scout's favorite. And Spy knew that.

"TOO BAD FRENCHY, I GOT ONNA DOS RIGHT IN HERE" Scout held up the box. He was quite proud of himself, remembering that there was something in the box.

"Check again," Spy said all giggly and lolsy. Like an eel. A big masked and French eel.

Scout opened the box, and to his horror; It was an empty wrapper he had seen through the half opened box.

"YOU ASSHOLE! I NEVA GET DA SNACKS!" He screamed, yelling and squirming around on the ground. He had these seizures often. They weren't medical, and were often brought on by mental strain. He was really dumb, which can't be stressed enough, and that made these fits quite frequent.

"I will propose a deal to you, you little freak," Spy started, trying to conceal his excitement.

"EEEEEEEW, YOU PROBABLY WANNA LIKE, HAVE SEX WIFF ME, YOU GAY BUTTWIPE!" Scout exclaimed.

"No, please, that is why I have your mother. Now listen to my offer, or I won't hesitate to eat this."

The first statement went over Scout's head. The second hit something. If Spy ate it, Scout couldn't eat it. And Scout wanted to eat it.

"What is this offerasition?" Scout questioned. Little did he know what cruelty Spy held for this little man. The answer was a lot. A lot a lot. And it would only get worse.

"Take this camera. I shall inform you of your goal tomorrow. Sometime around 12:00. Got it." Scout got it. He got it really good. Spy was a total weirdo who made photo albums of his summer trips to Venezuela. He also wore gloves when it wasn't cold. These things made Scout skeptical of trusting in him.

"YOU FREAKY FRENCH PERV! I AIN'T TAKING PICTURES OF SNIPAH MAKING POOPY! DAT'S NASTY! NO WONDA YOU GOTTA WEAR DAT BACLAVA YOU FREAKING BUTTHOLE!" Scout blurted out. He was very stupid, but he knew Spy well.

On a good day, Spy would post pictures of Sniper taking a dump everywhere around the base. Because he was an ass. But today. Today he had more malicious plans.

"Oh no, I will not mess with the bushman today. As I previously stated, you shall know tomorrow, you spastic little moron." And with that he cloaked, and fell into nothing

Scout had a lot to think about for a man/boy of his intelligence. Like where did the Spy go? Why did he want to take pictures of something? Did he leave to eat the Fruit Rollup anyway? Too much pressure was on the boy. It hurt his little mind. He decided to have some of the month old Gorilla Munch instead. His jimmies were thoroughly rustled.

Far away, in the sewers of the fort, Spy nibbled away at a Tropical Punch Fruit Rollup. Because he was an ass.

TO BE ELABORATED UPON AT A LATER DATE


	2. Chapter 2: MOMMY'S LIKE INDIANA JONES!

It was the next day. Scout was making his rounds, capping control points, painting his jackets lime green, spray painting graffiti of ponies from the future, and generally being five years old.

He had nearly forgotten about Spy. It was around 1:00pm, and he and the rest of REDs were storming the BLU team's base. All of the mercs , but Spy. BLU's base was getting pummeled by RED's Soldier and Heavy. They were both randomly calling out invisible sentries that only existed in their head and they called for Medic when Heavy got a hangnail from his hand getting stuck in his hairy Russian ass. So needless to say, it was an average day at the "2 Fort" complexes.

Scout was in the middle of crafting his milk and his soda into metal when suddenly Spy uncloaked behind him. Not his Spy. BLU's spy. He made some weird French noise.

"I assume that your Spy briefed you on the plan?" The Spy started.

"I pahfer boxers." Scout replied half understanding that he was being funny."You are stupid. So as I was saying, your spy should have briefed you on our collaboration."

"Uhhhhh, no?"

"Ok, well, we want you to take pictures of your mom" said the BLU Spy hesitantly.

"MY MOMMY'S GONNA BE A MOVIE STAH LIKE ON THE TV?" said the more stupider of the conversers.

"Yes, totally. Now take the camera we provided you with, and simply place it in your mother's room, and I assure you that you will see your Rollup thing again." Spy explained.

"Ya mean the little picshuh thing ya gave me yestaday?"

"Yes, now I must attend to something. Sniper traded his Razorback for that stupid crocodile thing."And like the RED spy, he fell to nothing.

"Cool" Scout was on his track to getting the snack.

********I have decided to immerse my readers in the battle taking place, so please do not click away or The Cybernetic Ghost of Richard Nixon will find you********

"I AM BOOOOOLETTTTT PROOOOOOOOOF!" the BLU Heavy's big moronic voice bellowed," I AM BEST PLAYER IN WORLD! MEDIC! MEDIC! DOKTOR! MED-"

Just then a sniper shot from the balcony opposite to the one Heavy was firing from penetrated (get your giggles out) his skull. He fell to the ground with his head for some reason still intact.

"GOTCHA YEH POTBELLIED LAUD ASS, SHOULD KEPTYA HEAD DAWN!" Yelled the RED Sniper. He was obviously the best player, as he played Call of Duty.

Meanwhile in the sewers, The BLU Engineer had made a nice sentry emplacement on RED's side. He was in the midst of walking away to put up a teleported exit so his team could be douches and spawncamp, when suddenly he had a primal instinct take hold. His telekinetic powers told him his babies were in trouble.

"SPAI 'ROUND HERE!" he yelled.

Then RED Spy was up to his ass-like ways again. He had just preordered Sleeping Dogs, and he got a cool green Red Tape Recorder . This made all of the poor southerner's buildings flaccid, but Spy was as erect as ever.

Above them, the BLU scout was in the middle of looking at a furry spray of a poorly drawn "sexy" tiger thing. Suddenly the RED medic thrust his….. SAW into the runner's little frame. He had put up the spray, and was quite proud of it. You can view it in his Deviantart gallery.

In the BLU intelligence room, the RED team's demoman had set up some stickies to camp. That was his first mistake. He suddenly heard it. It was a sound of muffled laughter.

"OHHH NO!" Demoman knew what came next.

The BLU team's Pyro came bounding around the corner. He had a dirty Baloonicorn which he had painted purple and originally named "TWILIGHT SPARKLE". He was terrifying. He airblasted the stickies away and proceeded to burn Demoman with his new Phlogistonator he just found.

And far away, the RED scout wondered why the spies wanted to make a movie.

THE STORYLINE OF THIS TALE HAS EXPANDED IN GIRTH.


	3. Chapter 3: Scout's Wiener

Scout was back home for some inexplicable reason. They were on leave or something. Gabe Newell said so.

He knew what he had to do. He had the camera. It was filming. And he put it in his mom's room. He didn't know why Spy wanted to see his mom sleeping and stuff, but if it got him the snack, it was worth it.

His mom was busy doing some stupid crap, and Scout slid into her room and planted the camera. Under the bed. It was seamless. She would never see it there. He slid back out. His mom was still doing stuff like cleaning the toaster or something. Scout doesn't know. He's like, 5 in my mind.

"HEYEH THEH SUGAH! I MADE SOME COOKIES FAH MAHMEES FAYVERITE BOI!" Scout's mom said in an annoying accent that I spelt out phonetically. I did that for scout too. Fun.

"COOKIES? AH MAH YAH THA COOLEST EXCEPT FAH THE KOOLAID MAN. HE'S TUFF TA BEAT." Scout said, scooping a whole anal crevice load of cookies (1 anal crevice load=merticsystemlolololololololo lscrewyouamuurica) into his stupid ass mouth and left. Maybe he'd go play in traffic. Half the fun was waking up in the hospital with shards of your femur sticking out of your nose.

THA NEXT DAI

It was the next day. The previous events happened on the day before this one. It was 24 hours later. Scout was on a trade server trying to get rid of all of his boxes that had unbreakable locks. Sniper came by. He wanted all 14. In return he gave him a cool spy knife and a sandwich (aka breakfast with Spoi) . Scout compressed them together with his bare freaking hands and somehow crafted metal. What. Then he proceeded to fuse it with more metal. Then he made a wiener hat. It was super cool and he was sure he'd be the coolest kid at school.

Scout was fiddling with his wiener when he realized he needed to get the camera from his mom's room. He'd join his ctf_scoutshouse server later. He was trying to get lime paint for his hat. And a nametag to name it "Winter's wrathdesu". He WAS going to be the coolest 4th grader in school.

Then Heavy opened a crate. What he found was beautiful. An Unusual Couvre Corner. He got a Stormy Storm napkin. He would give it to Medic and they would go pretend to be good on a pub.

That's when they pounced him. First Spy. Then Demoman. Followed by Soldier and Engineer. They bit his skin off and fought for the napkin. Spy stabbed all of them til they said uncle, then Demoman nippletwisted Spy, which wasn't that bad if it wasn't Demoman. Because he is not bishi. Then….

Player Scout has left the game (disconnect by user)


	4. Chapter 4: Scout has Two Wieners

Player Scout has joined the game

Scout was back home. The next step of the mission awaited him: secure the camera. Scout slipped into his mother's….room. He super stealth crawled under the bed like in that one movie where they crawl. It was pretty cool.

When scout found the camera, he was surprised to see how much dust had collected on it. He didn't really care though. Who does care is a mystery. He figured he'd play back the tape before he gave it to the spies.

What he saw mildly shocked him. There was his mom doing nude taekwondo full contact with Spy. RED Spy. He must have wanted to commemorate the moment on film. Cool for him.

Scout walked out and readjusted his wiener. It was getting a little saggy. Before he could leave the server, his mom made pancakes. They were fun, because some were filled with rusty nails. You had to eat the ones that were safe to ingest. Scout was pretty good at it, since his mom had been playing this game with him for the 23 years he had been alive (trolololololololofaux).

Player Scout has left the game (disconnect by user)

Scout decided to join a minecraft trade server, because minecraft has to be everywhere, and if you don't like it then you are a nazi fascist who eats children. It has a superb game engine and is perfectly priced. Just kidding, it sucks ass!

Scout was looking for keys. He was one of those people who thinks that opening crates is a lucrative business. It isn't. You get Strange Charge and Targes and Dead Ringers. Which are pointless.

He traded away his strange FAN for a key. He traded it to the enemy soldier. He probably wanted to dress up like an anime tomodachi scout for an anime convention. Sounds like Soldier.

He had a crate. He put the key in the lock (hahahahahhaaahhaahahhasex) and turned it. It made a creaky noise and finally opened. Another wiener hat. Scout had two wieners.

This fact resonated with Scout. He now had two times the wiener power. He liked the power. And he will paint it lime green. Because YOLO. Scout would be sooooooo cool. Like, Kool aid man cool.

Scout had some serious #swagyolobbq now, and he was ready to crush on a pub. Then he'd find Spy. Maybe he'd adopt an African child. Maybe he would just bang on the drum all day. With so much wiener, anything was possible. He could be a football playing king in space. He could be a nurse. He could be Waldo. Let's face it, with two wieners, Scout is the new Barbie. He could be a new addition to the X Men. Maybe he'd join the Teenage Mutant Turtles. He was the most interesting Scout in the world.

Then Spy uncloaked behind him.


End file.
